by Tiffany F
[ - ] Chapter
or Story - Text Size +
Characters: Aiden Burn
, Alexx Woods
, Danny Messer
, Don Flack
, Horatio Caine
, Mac Taylor
, Stella Bonasera
, Tim Speedle
, Episode Related
, Established RelationshipWarnings: Adult themes
SPOILERS END SEASON 1 CSI NEW YORK
After Mac's comment to Danny in the season finale, things take a drastic and almost fatal turn. Then things get really interesting.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This is another "I was mad at Mac Taylor" fic, but nowhere near as bad as Bound. :)
I ain't sure when you're gonna find this as, right now, I doubt you are enough about me to come looking when I don't show for work tomorrow. Am I a coward to handle things like this? Yeah, probably, but I just can't face you no more. By the time you find this, I'll be gone.
I wish you weren't such a coward and had the nerve, the balls, to ask me 'bout my history with Sassone and Tanglewood. You know I ain't got the tat and I've never understood your actions after the bastard dropped my name. Yeah, I was listening and heard the whole thing. But it still hurt when you dropped me like a hot potato. We'd been lovers for two years. I trusted you, Mac, and maybe I'm the idiot and not you.
If you had asked I woulda told you that my brother Louie ran with Sassone and that's how they know 'bout me. I never lied to you, Mac, not once. And yet I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me. I can see you hate me. I can see you don't trust me no more.
The night you kicked me out of your apartment you tore my heart in two. I tried to be normal at work so no one would see how much you hurt me. And once you started it seemed that you had to take every single chance to cut me down. You made it your mission to devalue and humiliate me at the lab and in front of my co-workers. It hurt so much when you lectured me in the middle of the lab so everyone knew I'd messed up and fallen outta favor. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to do my job after that? No one wants to help me 'cause they don't want to draw your anger down on themselves.
And I know that you didn't have my back after the shooting a few weeks ago. No one did. I know all you cared about was protecting the lab. By clearing me you saved your precious lab. You proved your true feelings when you chased away the one person who still believed in me. I'd like to know why you never talked to me 'bout my feelings and how I was doing. And to hear my best friend blindly back you up hurt me so bad. Has he taken my place in your bed and heart? Is that why?
I have a fair idea who told you not to hire me and all I can say is I'm sorry. He knew my brother in school and always assumed I'd followed Louie into the gang. But you didn't make a mistake hiring me. I made the mistake when I fell in love with you. I ain't slept for more than a couple hours a night in months and I'm so tired.
I'm tired of the whispers and the comments behind my back. I'm tired of the conversations that stop when I walk into a room. I'm tired of lab techs and co-workers who can only just hide how much they don't want to work with me. And I'm tired of the hate and loathing I see in your eyes any time you look at me. I wish I could see love in your eyes one more time when you look at me but I know that ain't gonna happen. You proved that to me today. What would it've cost you to say eventually? I wasn't expecting no miracles or nothing but I foolishly held onto some hope that maybe, deep down, you loved me enough to try.
But you don't. I suppose you were just pretending these past two years so you'd have a warm and willing body in your bed. I'm not even sure what hurts the most any more. Your comment tonight was just the final blow. I'm too heartsick and broken to even pretend anymore, Mac. I guess you've wanted me gone this whole time and I was just too blind to see it.
I've documented everything that I did tonight so you'll have an easier time processing my apartment. I wrote out a more official statement and left it on the kitchen table. Don't worry, our relationship isn't mentioned there at all. I'll seal this in an envelope with your name on it so no one else reads it. I don't want you to lose what you love the most.
I don't got the right to ask anything of you but keep an eye on Aiden for me. She's the only one I'm sorry for leaving. Aiden never doubted me but it isn't enough. Please take care of her for me.
I know I shouldn't but I still love you, Mac. I still love you and always will.